A man's guide to Valentine's Day - How to do it right

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day or, as I like to call it, the Super Bowl of Coupling. Just as it’s impossible to ignore NFL football during Super Bowl weekend, there will be no way to avoid couples and coupling tomorrow. Whether or not you’re actually dating, February 14th can be one of the best days of the year, depending on how you play it.

If you’re a guy in a straight relationship, you need to understand that this is her day; it’s neither for you nor about you. Much like your wedding day, the fact that it couldn’t happen without you is irrelevant. Your job is to turn her fantasy into a reality. Luckily, they all want the same thing (to feel like the most loved and adored woman on Earth) and the road map to get there is clearly marked. If you live together, she should wake up to some kind of breakfast in bed and a Valentine’s card (the more unique the better) with a hand-written quote about love and beauty from one of her favorite writers. During the day, she should have flowers delivered; preferably in the morning so that her friends will all be jealous of how sweet her man is.

Even if you’re a gourmet chef, you must take her to dinner. This isn’t as much about the food as it is about the fact that she already has a dress, shoes, and bag picked out that she can only wear on Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve – and she can’t wait that long. Notice how I didn’t mention jewelry she might want to wear. That’s because sometime after the entrée and before dessert, you have to give her a gift of something sparkly. It doesn’t have to be much, but there had better be something.

By this point, she should be glowing. She may or may not be ready for the night to end, so be prepared to take her somewhere she can show off her outfit, her shoes, her bag, and her accessories (yourself included). It could be as simple as stopping for coffee or as involved as going dancing; either way, you’ve got to be ready for whatever she wants to do.

When you get back home, have one last thing waiting for her: lingerie, the gift that keeps on giving. If you’ve done everything else correctly (and neither of you has had too much wine), she should be feeling pretty frisky. While she changes into the lingerie, you get into bed and wait for her to give you some of that you’re-the-sweetest-man-in-the-world-and-I-love-you stuff that you usually only get on your birthday. And that’s not the best part. The best part is you can parlay one night of doting on her into two weeks of peace while you obsess over your March Madness brackets or your fantasy baseball draft after Spring Training. All things being equal, it’s not a bad deal.

Ladies also have a role to play tomorrow. If you have the kind of man who will do all of these things to make your day special, the least you can do is pick him up a fragrance you think would smell good on him or a set of cufflinks or something so that on the off-chance you get too drunk to do any physical coupling, he still has something to show for his efforts.

Single guys need to be extra careful tomorrow night because single ladies will be out in force, defiantly asserting their single-ness. And unlike a typical night out on the town, there won’t be that one friend responsible for blocking because they all will be looking for the “Boyfriend Experience” (all the physical benefits of a relationship without the annoying boyfriend). For one glorious night, every girl in the group will be looking for love – even if it’s only temporary. It’s a lot like Christmas for the single dude.

There is one group of guys who can’t participate in the annual Valentine’s Day festivities: guys like me who date more than one woman. For us, Valentine’s Day is a nightmare because while we can send flowers to all of them, we can only have dinner and spend the night with one of them. Naturally, someone is going to be left out - and not seeing a woman on Valentine’s Day is a great way of guaranteeing you’ll never see her again. If you’re one of those guys, your only option is to do what I do: tell them your mom is in town and you’re taking her to dinner. No woman will ever complain that you couldn’t see her because you wanted to make your mother feel special. Just make sure you stay out of sight and keep your phone off.