What Britney needs is dark & lovely - And I'm there for her

I blame myself. She’s the reason I came to L.A., but I never told her. I figured if she saw me at enough places around Santa Monica and Malibu, eventually she’d say hello. My sense of humor, natural charm, and rugged good looks would do the rest. We’d go out, she’d see me dance, and that would be it. Then I’d spend the rest of my life taking care of her and giving her the unconditional love she’s been longing for. I’m a hopeless romantic, I know, but that’s good because as someone who loves her and only wants the best for her, she really needs me right now. Of course, I’m talking about the West Side’s favorite headline generating baby mama, Miss Britney Jean Spears.

We all have weaknesses, and my Britney is no different. She likes attention and she likes cute guys who can dance. Who doesn’t? It was these weakness that caused her to make the worst mistakes of her life: cheating on Justin Timberlake (the only guy I would have stepped aside for) with a choreographer, and marrying a back-up dancer from Fresno (a walking, talking identity crisis) less than six months after meeting him.

Her Federline period was chaotic, but it gave us Small Fry and Tater Tot. I was surprised the career which was going to be put on hold while they were growing up was Britney’s, not Kevin’s. And now, with Fresno’s finest teaming up with the pride of Kentwood, Louisiana, to raise the boys in the Valley, I can’t sit silently by any longer. Say what you will about parenting skills, at least she had them in the 310 area code.

Britney, people bought 75 million of your albums because you sing like the love child of Aretha Franklin and Rick Astley, and because your body was so hot you made white girls with athletic hips and thighs love their booties. These are only two of the reasons I love you and because I love you, I’m telling you: you need a man in your life. A good-looking man who can dance. A good-looking black man who can dance, care for a your needs, keep you focused, any make you happy. And if you look at the top left of this page, one will be smiling back at you.

Our first move as Team Britney will be to stop giving the paparazzi free images of you; we control your image. Your mantra is “My image pays. I control my image. I control who my image pays.” I promise it will make them want you more and help get the boys back.

Next, we respect your body. Nothing goes in it or on it without my approval (don’t worry, I think you look hot in everything except fast food restaurants). For six months, you eat four small meals (nothing after 8 PM) and do 75 minutes of dance, stairs, treadmill, kickboxing, or cardio-striptease every day, and we will get your sexy back.

Your next album will reflect your womanhood when you do a tribute to Billie Holiday and Sarah Vaughn. Your new body will be draped in Valentino, Gucci, and Versace when you premiere the album with three shows in Las Vegas. Then watch how the music industry falls back in love with you and begs you to make another pop album.

This plan works for me, too. I’ve got 11 nieces and nephews so don’t worry about the boys, I’ve got the childcare thing covered. Getting them up and dressed and dropped off at school is no big thing, either. That leaves me time to go to the gym, hit Robertson or Main Street for lunch, and do some writing before I have to get them to soccer practice, make dinner, read with them, and tuck them in. I’ll make sure that in the little bit of time you’ll have with us (between album tours and rehearsing and performing your annual Vegas and Radio City Music Hall shows), you’ll have three healthy, well-adjusted guys happy to have you home. When you want to see them while you’re working, I’ll bring them anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice.

And if you’re worried about not having a social life when you’re back home, I got you. A couple of nights a week, someone will sit with the boys after they fall asleep and I’ll hit up Hyde or Les Deux or wherever and stay up on what clubs are hot - so you won’t feel like you’re missing anything while you’re away on tour. On top of knowing your boys have a man around who will kill for them, making more money than you ever dreamed, and being back on top of the music business, the best part is it will drive Christina, Justin, and Kevin crazy.