Obama still has a lot to overcome - Bumps in the road to the White House

I was hoping Hillary Clinton would lose the Pennsylvania primary, be forced to recognize the reality of her situation, and drop out graciously. But she didn’t. She got about 1.2 million people to vote for her and she won. Let’s not forget that she was the inevitable candidate, so she was supposed to get a lot more votes than that. Her problem was that with a positive, thoughtful campaign, Barack Obama earned the votes of over one million Pennsylvanians who had never heard of him this time last year – and that’s the real story. But she won, so it’s not over. Even if she hadn’t won, it still wouldn’t be over. No matter how low she sinks in her desperate attempt to make him seem unelectable, she’s not the opponent who matters; John McCain is. This thing will be over when John McCain concedes on November 4th and not one day sooner. Hillary, her joke of a husband, and their gutter campaign are just bumps in Barack Obama’s road to the White House.

The first Tuesday in November is also the day we can start to forget about the Clintons. I hate them, but I have to give them credit. Bubba and Hil from Little Rock to President and Senator Clinton of Chappaqua in one generation is impressive social climbing. They are the epitome of new money and Bill is the quintessential “caddie turned pro”, but when he dies, he will have legitimized his gambling alcoholic stepfather’s family name and will be leaving his only daughter a quarter-billion-dollar fortune. If she can ever get over what must be a mountain of daddy issues, Chelsea’s wedding should be quite a spectacle; attended by the crème-de-la-crème of international politics, business, and philanthropy who will come to pay their respects after having paid off her parents.

Another bump in the road is Barack’s former pastor, Jeremiah Wright. I have to respect his life’s work because he has helped a lot of people in Chicago, but it pains me to even type his name because in national politics, he couldn’t be more of a nobody. If Barack Obama had joined a different church when he moved to Chicago, we wouldn’t even know this man exists. I’m not going to call him crazy because that’s dismissive, but I will say he’s short on loyalty and long on stupid. This past weekend, he was literally singing and dancing at the podium as he mocked his critics in speeches before the National Press Club and the NAACP, with every minute broadcast on cable news and even on C-SPAN. A loyal man would have rewarded Barack’s not pushing him under the bus by keeping a low profile until at least November 5th, but not this guy – he’s got a book coming out. Now that most Americans see him as the Christian Louis Farrakhan, he’s put himself in a position where President Obama won’t be able to invite him to the White House. Trading access to the future President for book sales is just plain stupid. Congratulations, Reverend Wright, you just pulled a George W. Bush: you “surged” when you should have toned it down, and now you’re screwed.

The last potential hurdle for Barack is what is politely called the “demographics” of voters he hasn’t managed to win over: Working class white people over the age of forty-five. Let’s just face facts. There are some white people, especially those who were born before the Civil Rights Movement and never went to college, who will not vote for a black man for President. Not Barack Obama, not Colin Powell, not even Morgan Freeman – and he drove Miss Daisy. The talking heads on the cable news shows and the Sunday talk shows keep talking about these people as if they’re the Holy Grail of presidential politics; like Barack must find a way to win these people over if he’s going to win in November. I won’t say they’re being suckered into believing another Clinton campaign talking point, but I will say that their assumption is dead wrong. The only way a candidate can get to these people is by pandering promises of a magic box where their Social Security money will stay locked away.

I forgive these people, for they know not how clueless they are. They come from a time when black people couldn’t vote, a woman’s place was in the kitchen, children were to be seen and not heard, and bachelor parties happened the night before the wedding. Need I say more? This “demographic” is the most out of touch with the way the world is today and if they want to forsake America’s future for one more day above ground, I say let ‘em vote for the Republican geezer. Good riddance to bad voters.

Making a deal with the devil - Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise

It’s been three years since 26-year-old Katie Holmes started dating 42-year-old Tom Cruise. There was a whirlwind romance, unbridled joy broadcast live from Oprah’s sofa, and a proposal at the Eiffel Tower complete with five carats of flawlessness befitting the betrothed of the world’s biggest box office draw. Then the money came pouring in. She got an annual allowance of half a million dollars. She get a pre-nup that pays her $3 million every year they stay married (up to eleven years, then she gets half of everything). She got a mansion in Montecito. And she got a Gulfstream jet worth $20 million.

To Katie, it probably seemed too good to be true. It was. The next three years saw her lose control of her private life, her public image, and her career as an actress. She probably didn’t realize she wasn’t just marrying Hollywood’s biggest, brightest, and weirdest star, she was marrying Hollywood – in all it’s big, bright, weird glory. And like her husband, Hollywood needed something his last wife couldn’t or wouldn’t provide: A baby. Exactly one year after they first met, Suri was born.

Two years later, Katie is reportedly looking at the front door. She’s been offered a role on Broadway she wants to accept, and she wants to take Suri with her. Not forever, just while she’s doing the play. She probably has images in her mind of blissful mother-daughter strolls through Central Park, exploring the boutiques, nights out in the Meatpacking District - basically her own little “Sex in the City” without the sex and with Suri in tow. Most importantly, without Tom and his Scientology crew telling her how to dress, how to act, what to say, and when to smile (always).

Tom is said to be resistant. Actually, he’s said to be on board with the whole operation except the “without Tom” part. She can move to New York and take the job. She can even take the baby. But if she and the baby move to New York, he’s coming, too. He may be delusional, he may be crazy, he may even be closeted, but he’s certainly not stupid. He knows she’s a beautiful woman in the prime of her life with a mansion, a jet, at least six million of his dollars in the bank, and another twenty million guaranteed from any publisher in the world as an advance on her book. If she and the baby leave him to go live in New York, there is no guarantee he’ll ever see either of them again outside a courtroom. My prediction is that she’ll take the job, but she’ll have to leave the baby. For her, it will be a taste of what life after Tom will be like – and it will probably taste pretty sweet after what Tom and the Scientology crew have been force-feeding her over the last three years.

Deep down, she has to know he can’t allow the marriage to last the full eleven years and cost him half his fortune. Not when he can just exercise his buy-out option for $30 million after ten years. She also has to know he can’t allow her to take Suri when the marriage ends. Not with the industry desperate for a new generation of “Hollywood royalty” and Tom needing leverage to keep her silent about his personal eccentricities. What’s more, she has to have known this, or at least suspected it, when she signed on to be Mrs. Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. And she did it anyway.

It all leads me to ask this question: Knowing what she has in store for her (paparazzi stalking her every minute of every day for the rest of her life, growing up blindingly fast in Hollywood; tempted by sex and drugs before she’s even out of junior high school, knowing she’ll never be able to trust a normal human being as long as she lives, and knowing you won’t be around to help raise her), how many women would sell their child to Hollywood for a $10 million mansion, a $20 million jet, $35 million in cash, and a $20 million book deal?

It reminds me of something Michael Corleone said when Kay tried to leave him in “Godfather II”. “What do you want from me?” he asked. “Do you expect me to let you go? Do you expect me to let you take my children from me? Don’t you know me? Don’t you know that’s an impossibility? That that could never happen? That I’d use all my power to keep something like that from happening?”

In that scene, Kay realized the hard way that she had made a deal with the devil. Katie Holmes may be starting to realize that she did, too.

Pornography isn't a substitute for talent - A Marilyn Monroe sex tape?

A story broke in the last few days that has caused me to re-examine a relationship I’ve had since I was a teenager. It’s a relationship that helped me maintain my focus through high school, despite the fact that I was surrounded on all sides by pretty girls in cute outfits who drove me to distraction. Later in life, it kept me from flirting with women on the job who were just trying to work, women on the subway who were just trying to get somewhere, women in the supermarket who were just trying to buy food, and it helped me stay faithful to my girlfriends who would have killed me for cheating on them. I’m talking about my relationship with porn. It’s been my friend for two decades, but porn is now totally out of control.

The story that caused me to stop and reflect was the New York Post’s account of the sale of a fifty-year-old film of Marilyn Monroe performing a sex act to an anonymous “collector” for $1.5 million. The man who “brokered” the sale (who also happens to be producing a documentary in which he claims Marilyn Monroe was murdered) not only got his story into the Post, but was also interviewed by CBS’s “Early Show” for two segments. Amazingly, they treated him like a respectable filmmaker and not the lying smut-peddler that he is.

To see how acceptable porn has become, just open any glossy magazine sold at any newsstand anywhere. Not just “Maxim”, “Stuff”, and “FHM” (which are basically just porn without nipples), but also ad campaigns for Bebe and Guess Jeans (among many others) that actually appear in mags for women and girls. Disguised as advertising or entertainment and cloaked in the male interpretation of female freedom, these images and messages tell young girls that modesty is old-fashioned and that the new feminist ideal is the rich, empowered slut.

This isn’t a new phenomenon since there has always been a demand for “nude modeling”, but porn used to be a woman’s last resort. The question a woman had to answer was, “do I really want to go there?” Sure, you could make some quick cash and possibly launch your career (like Madonna did with the “Penthouse” spread that made her famous) but it would come at the expense of your dignity. That’s why actresses used to get naked on film one time early in their careers, then never again. But over the last few years, dignity has become way overrated.

It’s this attitude that has made “celebrities” out of people whose only talent is the willingness to perform sex acts on camera. People like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have literally launched careers in film, television, music, and modeling based entirely on the popularity (or notoriety) of their homemade porn. It’s gotten so bad that Audrina Partridge, a girl from a good family who definitely doesn’t need the cash, was so desperate for more exposure than she was getting from her fake reality show that she reportedly leaked her own nude photos on the Internet.

Which brings us back to the Marilyn Monroe story and the burning question: Could it possibly be true? I don’t doubt that the film exists since it’s referred to in FBI documents, but I have serious questions about the story this “broker” is telling. He claims he got the only copy not in the FBI archives from the son of a former FBI snitch. He also says he sold it to someone who bought it to protect Marilyn’s legacy by making sure it was never released.

But his story doesn’t add up. First of all, he wants us to believe that some guy somewhere had this footage and didn’t talk about it or show it to anyone for fifty years. He also wants us to believe that even though he’s producing a documentary about Marilyn, he was just a middle-man. And we’re supposed to believe the going rate for this film was a mere $1.5 million.

It’s the last one that killed his credibility with me. We live in a world where an original photo of Marilyn Monroe sold for almost five hundred grand and homemade porn of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Amy Fisher sold for multiple millions of dollars each. This footage is supposedly of the American female film icon of the last century going down on a man who J. Edgar Hoover believed to be either John or Robert Kennedy and somebody let it go for a million-and-a-half ? Give me a break.

I’m not saying the Post and “the Early Show” got duped, but if they believe thiz story, I know a guy looking to get rid of a bridge connecting Brooklyn to Lower Manhattan and I’d love to broker the sale.

Making predictions can be easy work - The coming Obama inauguration

Readers of this column should know by now that I was the first person to go on the record predicting Barack Obama would be our next President (I did it on April 18th of last year). It was my Official Groundbreaking Prediction of 2007 and once he’s elected, I’ll naturally assume the title of America’s Smartest Pundit. The fact that anyone would doubt how this election is going to turn out literally makes me laugh out loud. My Official Groundbreaking Prediction of 2008 is that the Obama inauguration next January will be the cultural, social, and political event of a generation; like Woodstock meets the March on Washington, with every minute of every day covered by talk radio and all three cable news networks. The part I’m really going to like is that Rush Limbaugh and Fox News won’t know what to do with themselves.

Hillary Clinton knows it’s over. She isn’t going to drop out of the race until she absolutely has to, but she’s basically just running out the clock. Don’t cry for her, though, because she and Bill have made nine figures since they left Washington, so they’ll be in a really nice car as they roll on down the Huckabee Highway to a place called irrelevance.

John McCain is a real American hero, but for a new generation of voters who grew up with the image of the Pimpin’ President, he doesn’t fit the part. People born in the 70’s and 80’s think of John McCain as that grandfather you never see because he has to stay in Arizona for the climate more than they think of him as a guy they want in the White House. Plus we don’t need a man who may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with his finger on the button. It’s dangerous. He’ll be alright, though. His married the daughter of a really wealthy beer distributor and she’s worth somewhere in the neighborhood of nine figures herself (maybe John McCain’s pimp hand is stronger than I thought).

So there we’ll all be on election night, face-to-face with the unthinkable: A black President. Parents will keep their kids up to watch the networks call it for Barack in a thirty-point landslide, trying in vain to explain the historic significance of the moment to a child whose mind doesn’t understand the concept of racism. It makes me think of the first time Tiger Woods won the Masters. Golf fans of all descriptions would look at each other in amazement and say, “can you believe this guy?” The exact same thing is going to happen at bus stops and on bar stools all over the country. One stranger will look at another and ask, “can you believe this guy?” To which the other stranger will respond, “I voted for him.”

After the numbers are pored over and analyzed in excruciating detail for about a week, the buzz around the inaugural address will begin. This will be the first time Fox News will call something “make or break” for the Obama presidency, but it won’t be the last. The network will say the fact that he won the election by a two-to-one margin means he must be all things to all people or he’s betraying his mandate; basically holding him to a standard of perfection. It won’t matter, though, because Barack grew up black in America, so he’s used to having to be far and away better than the next guy in order to be thought of as equal to him.

Plus, he will have beaten Hillary Clinton - who wouldn’t accept her own defeat until he had won more states, more delegates, more votes, and the endorsement of every Democrat she and her husband pissed off on their way from Little Rock, Arkansas to Westchester, New York (what I like to call the “payback is a b*itch” scenario). After driving a stake through the heart of the undead thing that was the Clinton campaign, Fox News will seem like cake and ice cream to President Obama.

By Thanksgiving, every airline will have sold every seat on every flight into Washington, D.C. By Christmas, all the trains will be sold out as well. By New Year’s Day, every church group and suburban school district with the means will be renting any buses and vans they can find to get their people to our nation’s capital. By early January, every hotel room in the D.C. area will be booked (at outrageous rates, I may add) and people will start camping out on the National Mall. And after the Obama inauguration, there will be only two kinds of people in this country: Those who were actually there to see it, and those who will lie and say they were.

Remember where you read it first.

Running for a city council seat - April fool's!

I’ve finally come to terms with never moving back to Boston because Santa Monica is clearly the best place in the world. I never get tired of saying the words, “seventy degrees and sunny with a little breeze off the ocean” to my snowbound friends back home. We are lucky enough to live in a place where you’re never more than a half-hour’s walk, bike, or bus ride from a bus from a clean, safe beach complete with a boardwalk pier and a ferris wheel. This city has everything except the one thing that it really needs: Kenny Mack on the City Council. So I am formally announcing my intent to be a candidate in this year’s election.

Have you taken a good look at our City Council lately? I’m not saying that they’re too old to be in touch with the needs of Santa Monica’s young people, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they all believe that the Internet is a series of tubes. I bet there aren’t more than two I-pod owners among the seven of them; and those were probably Christmas presents from grandkids who loaded them up with the greatest hits of Patsy Kline and Frank Sinatra and which haven’t been updated since. To be forward-looking in the planning of the future of this town, the Council needs an injection of energy, youth, style, soul, and sex appeal. Electing me accomplishes this in one fell swoop.

You may be wondering why now? It was a recent visit to the Santa Monica DMV that convinced me. If you’ve never been, I have to tell you that the combination of the free parking, the Baja Fresh across the street, the studios down the block, and the fact that it never takes longer than twenty-five minutes to get in and out means that you can actually go to the DMV on your lunch hour, grab a bite, and possibly get a picture of Andre 3000 on your camera phone - all in about an hour. As a total coincidence, the place is almost completely staffed by black people who probably don’t live in Santa Monica. The way I see it, if they can make a trip to the DMV a pleasurable experience, we owe it to them – and the firefighters, police, teachers, and others who make the standard of living here what it is – to make a place for them in this town. That’s why I’m running.

When it comes to the issues, I’ll be an advocate for the little guy. City workers, families, students, mom-and-pop businesses, homeless people, and ficus trees will be safe. Commercial developers, private jet owners, national tenants looking for retail space, and not-for-profit hospitals wanting to expand their real estate portfolios, not so much. If you’re concerned about how Santa Monica will survive without the tax revenue from these people, don’t be. I have a plan. Once I’m elected, the City of Santa Monica will begin licensing medicinal cannabis dispensaries – and we will tax pot-smoking crap out of them.

It’s a bold plan whose genius is its simplicity. California, being hipper than the rest of the country, passed Proposition 215, legalizing medical marijuana. The city of Santa Monica, being hipper than the rest of California, voted to basically de-criminalize the act of possessing and using marijuana ten years later with Measure Y, making this a 420-friendly town. Yet the city hasn’t licensed even one dispensary. In my humble opinion, that makes us hypocrites. My neighbor suffers from chronic stress and anxiety (he gets stressed and anxious when he can’t get chronic) and has a prescription for medicinal cannabis. He spends about $3,000 per year on his medicine and it’s all spent in Venice. What, is his money not good enough for Santa Monica to tax?

The additional revenue could really help pay for some desperately needed services in Santa Monica. How will we keep up with the rising cost of street repairs to keep traffic flowing smoothly? Weed money. How will we maintain our parks and repair, or replace the ficus trees on Second and Fourth Streets? Weed money. How will we finance services for Santa Monica’s infamous homeless population, getting them off the street and into housing, education, and job training programs? Weed money. It’s really the gift that keeps on giving.

The benefits would snowball. Smoother roads would mean more visitors, clean and landscaped parks would mean more people recreating, and fewer homeless people to scare them away would mean more people spending more time shopping in our stores and eating in our restaurants generating even more tax revenue for our city. We just need the courage to elect me, Kenny Mack, Independent candidate for Santa Monica City Council.

Thank you for your support.