It's time to get on with show business - How Graydon Carter saved the movies

With the end of the WGA strike, I can say to my fellow Angelenos that our long civic nightmare is over. Show business works; our great film & television industry is one of creators and not of financiers. Here, the artists rule. Basically, the studios caved and gave the writers what they were asking for and unlike this year’s Golden Globes, Sunday night’s Academy Awards - the best ever broadcast - went ahead as scheduled. I have to agree with host Jon Stewart that the show was basically the “make-up sex” after the strike. The person who deserves the credit for ending the strike, the man who slipped both parties the proverbial rufie, was Editor Graydon Carter when he decided to cancel the Hollywood A-List event of the year: Vanity Fair’s Oscar party.

In every industry, there is one day that is far-and-away the biggest of the year, like Mother’s Day is for florists. It’s usually referred to as that business’ Super Bowl because annually, it’s the most-watched television event. The second-most watched television event of the year after the Super Bowl is the Academy Awards; and for a lot of businesses in L.A., the Academy Awards are (you guessed it) their Super Bowl.

Every year in Los Angeles, the Golden Globes are a warm-up for the Oscars. The statue is a little smaller, the venue is a little smaller, the relative prestige from winning is a little smaller, and the after-parties are a little smaller. But for the designers, stylists, tailors, hair salons, make-up artists, jewelers, chauffeurs, bodyguards, caterers, waitstaff, and cleaning crews who work to prepare the venue and the guests for the event, it’s a pretty big night. This year, the Globes were canceled and all of those people got shafted.

The resulting “event” to announce the winners was pure poetry. Usually, it’s the crème-de-la-crème of Hollywood actors walking the red carpet, taking their seats, and applauding each other’s accomplishments. This year, it was a collection of pretty meat puppets from “Extra”, “Showbiz Tonight”, “Entertainment Tonight, “Inside Edition”, E! News Daily”, and “The Insider” - people whose usual role on awards night is to ask, “who are you wearing?” – announcing the winners in a glorified press conference with commercials. Not exactly the night of Hollywood glamour that I’m sure the Foreign Press Association wanted.

One result of the evening was to put the studios on notice that SAG actors were not going to cross a WGA picket line, even to blow sunshine up each other’s butts. It’s possible the studios thought the actors were bluffing. After all, the Globes are important, but an Oscar validates an actor’s career. So the studios turned to Academy President Sid Ganis who reassured them that the show would go on and that the Screen Actor’s Guild would have to choose between their loyalty to the Writer’s Guild and the annual orgy of ego gratification that is the Academy Awards.

The studios’ little gambit may have worked, too. But we will never know because three weeks after the Globes and three weeks before the Oscars, Graydon Carter of Vanity Fair dropped the bomb. It turns out that on Oscar night (Hollywood’s biggest event) there is one man can literally tell the A-List (Hollywood’s biggest stars) where to go. That man is Graydon Carter, and usually he tells them to go to Morton’s. This year, he told them to go fly a kite. Actually, his exact words were, “Inasmuch as Vanity Fair is a collection of writers, photographers, and artists, we do feel ourselves in aligned solidarity with the writers, directors, and actors in the film business.” He also let it be known that there was no room for negotiation by saying, “and we look forward to hosting our 15th Oscar party next year.”

With the prospect of an expiring contract with actors and directors, no Golden Globes, no Oscars, no post-Oscar bump in box office revenue, no end in sight to the strike by the writers (without whom no production is possible), and knowing that the whole thing could be settled for pennies on the dollar, the studios did what Hillary Clinton can’t seem to bring herself to do: they recognized that it wasn’t going to go their way and they conceded.

As a bonus, those of us who truly love movies were treated to an Academy Awards show about movies and the people who make them, nothing more. The fact that there were no writers working on the show meant it wasn’t a lame attempt at a Hollywood-themed “Daily Show”. Instead, it relied on the one thing that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences knows more about than anyone or anything else: the best moments from the best movies ever made.

Thanks, Graydon.

He's got a serious crush on Obama - The best person for the job

Readers of this column should know by now that I was the first person to go on the record predicting an Obama presidency and once he’s elected, I’ll naturally assume the title of America’s Smartest Pundit. Was I ahead of the curve? Sure. Do I understand the skepticism of people like Santa Monica resident John McColgan who wondered in a letter to the Editor, “besides getting elected, what major thing has (Obama) accomplished?” Of course I do. I’m a firm believer in the principle of “each one teach one”, so I dedicate this column to the education of one John McColgan.

I have to challenge the premise of his question. He seems to believe that accomplishing a “major thing” is a pre-requisite for being President (but “getting elected” to the U.S. Senate doesn’t qualify). It’s not. For proof, take a look at our last two Presidents.

Besides getting elected Governor of Texas, what “major thing” had W. accomplished? Prior to his campaign for Governor, he had run for a House seat in Texas and lost, was a failed oil speculator, then was managing general partner of the Texas Rangers. As best I can tell, the closest he came to accomplishing a “major thing” was convincing schoolteacher and librarian Laura Welch to marry him and stand by him through his thirties when, by all accounts, he was a hard drinker who was tough to be around when he was drunk.

Before him, there was Bubba. Besides getting elected Governor of Arkansas, what “major thing” had he accomplished before he ran for President? He had also lost a bid for a House seat in his home state; and though he was later elected to be Attorney General of Arkansas, there was nobody running against him. I guess I have to give him credit for being Governor for ten years, but even if the good folks of Arkansas named him their king, we’re still talking about Arkansas.

If we look at the last two Presidents, we find that besides getting elected Governor, neither of them could point to any “major thing” accomplished before deciding to run for the office. Since they both were re-elected, I have to conclude that it’s not what you do before you get to the Oval Office that matters, it’s what you do once you’re sitting behind that desk.

Let’s look at what the President actually does. As best I can tell, he has three jobs: Commander in Chief, Diplomat in Chief, and Domestic Agenda Setter in Chief. There is no job that can prepare you to be the Commander of the biggest, baddest military force in the history of the world. For this job, the most important quality a candidate can have is good judgment. When compared to the other two people interviewing for the job, Barack Obama’s judgment is far superior. In 2002, Hillary Clinton was willing to give President Bush the benefit of the doubt on Iraq. In 2007, she was still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on Iran, in spite of the failure of his Iraq experiment. These two enormous errors in judgment show that she hasn’t learned anything from the last five years. John McCain thinks it’s a good idea for the U.S. military to be occupying a Muslim country for the next hundred years. Need I say more?

Obviously, neither of them can be trusted with “the Button”.

The jobs of Diplomat in Chief and Domestic Agenda Setter in Chief both require a more elusive skill set: the ability to bring opposing sides together to make concessions at the bargaining table. If we’re going to be honest with ourselves, we have to admit that even our allies in the international community have been hesitant to work with us ever since we decided to invade Iraq. We also have to admit that Republicans and Democrats in Washington have traditionally been reluctant to work together to solve the country’s problems if they thought they could blame the other side at election time. Hillary Clinton and John McCain are on the wrong side of progress when it comes to both of these issues. They both voted to authorize the invasion of Iraq and they are both part of the partisan problem plaguing Washington. There is no reason to believe either of them will do anything differently in office. Meanwhile, Barack Obama has shown his ability to get people to work together from the time he was elected the first black President of Harvard Law Review, to his time working as a community organizer in Chicago, his time in the Illinois Senate, and his current term in the U.S. Senate.

I believe in Senator Obama because, when compared to the other two options, he is clearly the best person for the job.

A man's guide to Valentine's Day - How to do it right

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day or, as I like to call it, the Super Bowl of Coupling. Just as it’s impossible to ignore NFL football during Super Bowl weekend, there will be no way to avoid couples and coupling tomorrow. Whether or not you’re actually dating, February 14th can be one of the best days of the year, depending on how you play it.

If you’re a guy in a straight relationship, you need to understand that this is her day; it’s neither for you nor about you. Much like your wedding day, the fact that it couldn’t happen without you is irrelevant. Your job is to turn her fantasy into a reality. Luckily, they all want the same thing (to feel like the most loved and adored woman on Earth) and the road map to get there is clearly marked. If you live together, she should wake up to some kind of breakfast in bed and a Valentine’s card (the more unique the better) with a hand-written quote about love and beauty from one of her favorite writers. During the day, she should have flowers delivered; preferably in the morning so that her friends will all be jealous of how sweet her man is.

Even if you’re a gourmet chef, you must take her to dinner. This isn’t as much about the food as it is about the fact that she already has a dress, shoes, and bag picked out that she can only wear on Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve – and she can’t wait that long. Notice how I didn’t mention jewelry she might want to wear. That’s because sometime after the entrée and before dessert, you have to give her a gift of something sparkly. It doesn’t have to be much, but there had better be something.

By this point, she should be glowing. She may or may not be ready for the night to end, so be prepared to take her somewhere she can show off her outfit, her shoes, her bag, and her accessories (yourself included). It could be as simple as stopping for coffee or as involved as going dancing; either way, you’ve got to be ready for whatever she wants to do.

When you get back home, have one last thing waiting for her: lingerie, the gift that keeps on giving. If you’ve done everything else correctly (and neither of you has had too much wine), she should be feeling pretty frisky. While she changes into the lingerie, you get into bed and wait for her to give you some of that you’re-the-sweetest-man-in-the-world-and-I-love-you stuff that you usually only get on your birthday. And that’s not the best part. The best part is you can parlay one night of doting on her into two weeks of peace while you obsess over your March Madness brackets or your fantasy baseball draft after Spring Training. All things being equal, it’s not a bad deal.

Ladies also have a role to play tomorrow. If you have the kind of man who will do all of these things to make your day special, the least you can do is pick him up a fragrance you think would smell good on him or a set of cufflinks or something so that on the off-chance you get too drunk to do any physical coupling, he still has something to show for his efforts.

Single guys need to be extra careful tomorrow night because single ladies will be out in force, defiantly asserting their single-ness. And unlike a typical night out on the town, there won’t be that one friend responsible for blocking because they all will be looking for the “Boyfriend Experience” (all the physical benefits of a relationship without the annoying boyfriend). For one glorious night, every girl in the group will be looking for love – even if it’s only temporary. It’s a lot like Christmas for the single dude.

There is one group of guys who can’t participate in the annual Valentine’s Day festivities: guys like me who date more than one woman. For us, Valentine’s Day is a nightmare because while we can send flowers to all of them, we can only have dinner and spend the night with one of them. Naturally, someone is going to be left out - and not seeing a woman on Valentine’s Day is a great way of guaranteeing you’ll never see her again. If you’re one of those guys, your only option is to do what I do: tell them your mom is in town and you’re taking her to dinner. No woman will ever complain that you couldn’t see her because you wanted to make your mother feel special. Just make sure you stay out of sight and keep your phone off.

Infants are the must-have accessory today - Re-defining family in Hollywood

I love this little bubble we live in here in Los Angeles – especially Hollywood. I love the fact that people who don’t know the difference between the Electoral College and community college are endorsing candidates. I love the fact that people who are famous because they are attractive and have the ability to walk and talk at the same time (also called acting) think their opinions matter. And I love the fact that actors and entertainers in our fair city set the trends that the rest of the country will eventually follow, despite the fact that a lot of these people aren’t capable of getting through their day without the help of assistants, nannies, stylists, publicists, and drivers. There is one recent trend, however, that gives me pause: the new infatuation with motherhood.

In 2006, the infant became the “must-have accessory” in Hollywood. Last year, with the undeniable return of the pre-baby body for Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Heidi Klum, and Gwen Stefani, it became clear that a woman could have a family and still be hot enough to earn a living in front of the camera. Then it was on. Now you can’t swing a teenage paparazzo on Robertson Blvd. without hitting a celebrity with a bun in the oven.

As a public service, I will now quote my sainted grandmother, Lurlene Patterson (rest in peace, Nana), who once told me, “the most important thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother.” I was just a teenager at the time, so I didn’t understand what she meant. But now I do. What she was saying was that a father teaches his kids how a man should behave by example. He shows his boy children how to treat women (in general) and the woman he loves (in particular); at the same time, he shows his girl children what to expect (and what not to accept) from a man. For this new crop of Hollywood MILF’s-to-be (or “MTB’s”), the dynamic is reversed, but the premise is still the same. The point being that when a mom and a dad can demonstrate to their kids that they are committed to loving and supporting each other no matter what, those kids are much less likely to settle for anything less from their partners.

Why is that so important? Precisely because it’s so rare. In my circle of friends, only two or three out of ten of sets of parents have done the right thing (stayed married, remained faithful, and were focused on raising healthy, well-adjusted kids). In a city like ours (which cannibalizes its young), the importance of good parenting is magnified a thousand times. And in the Internet Age, the old practice of inventing a romantic back-story to tell the kids when they get old enough to ask how mommy and daddy met is over. You’re going to have to tell them the truth, even if you can’t handle it.

Do you understand what I’m saying, Nicole Richie? Are you listening to me, Halle Berry? Me entiendes, Jessica Alba? The biology is simple: the sperm fertilizes the egg, which grows into the fetus, which becomes the child. In that process, you only need a man for his seed and nine months later you have your “Mini Me”; born to parents who may or may not actually love each other and a “celebrity” for life, whether or not he or she wants to be. The child-rearing is much more difficult.

I have gotten comfortable with the idea that I’ll have to look at pictures of Suri Cruise, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, and Jayden James Federline every time I buy food at a supermarket for the next thirty years. These Hollywood MTB’s need to get comfortable with the idea that in another twenty years (or less), it could be their daughter being rolled into an ambulance semi-nude and whacked out of her mind on anti-depressants and booze, surrounded by paparazzi and with helicopters circling overhead if they, as moms, don’t do the right thing and proactively provide their kids with some kind of male role model.

I say this because we’re all watching it happen to my beloved Britney and her little sister before our eyes. Lynne Spears put her daughters in front of the camera at an incredibly young age (just like these Hollywood MTB’s are going to do, whether they want to or not) and in the process, sold all three of their souls to the entertainment industry. It’s a shame, too, because all the money in the world won’t give her or her daughters the one thing they really want: a husband and father who loves them.