Party girl’s shelf life stands test of time - what Anna Nicole can teach Britney and Lindsay

There is no lifetime acheivement award for party girls, no old-timer’s day and no hall of fame. There is no future in being a party girl; just boredom between parties and a lonely life once the invitations stop coming. It may look cute when paparazzi are taking pictures of them on the red carpet rolling in the front door, but when those same paparazzi are taking pictures of them in a red body bag being rolled out the back door, it ain’t so cute any more.

No party girl in recent memory has provided better evidence of this than the recently departed Vickie Lynn Hogan, better known as Anna Nicole Smith.

Hers was a classic story. Born in a small town in Texas, her father left home when she was very young, her mother re-married a few times. She dropped out of high school by the age of 15, was married by 17, a mother by 18, and a single mother stripping for a living by 20. By 24, she had captured the party girl’s holy grail — an 85-year-old billionaire with a weak heart and an engagement ring. She then lived through a whirlwind three years in which she became a Playboy Playmate and a Guess model, ushered in a “new era of voluptuousness,” and became wife, then widow of billionaire J. Howard Marshall. She was left out of his will, but years of litigation seem to have left her about $90 million from his estate. She truly became a household name when “The Anna Nicole Show” debuted on E! in 2002. The show and its star were TV gold and, though it was canceled, the camera fell back in love with Anna Nicole when she lost almost 100 pounds and returned to sex symbol status.

When the infant became the new “must-have accessory” in Hollywood, she got pregnant. Her baby girl was born in the Bahamas in September. Three short days later, six tragic months began with her 20-year-old son dying from a combination of anti-depressants and methadone (his mom’s fridge was full of the stuff) and ended when she was found dead in her hotel room in Hollywood, Florida last week. It’s sadly ironic that while Anna Nicole chose to turn her body and her life into grist for the media-driven mill that is our celebrity and sex-obsessed popular culture, her little girl won’t have that option. She’s in the birth class of 2006 with Suri Cruise, Jayden James Federline and Shiloh Nouvel Joie-Pitt — Hollywood offspring trapped by their names.

It’s no coincidence she died the same week that Britney Spears, mother of two, drank her way around New York City (embarrassing herself and her kids) and Lindsay Lohan took a break from rehab to go out clubbing. Anna Nicole’s life is a lesson: party girls age fast.

Anna Nicole’s lone “talent” seemed to be that she was attractive enough that teenage boys wanted to masturbate to pictures of her. Britney and Lindsay, on the other hand, have decades of productive years in entertainment ahead of them. It must have been hard to grow up as a “Disney Kid” with all the pressure to be a completely and totally Ivory-clean, vanilla-bland straight arrow all the time. It couldn’t have been easy knowing all of your non-Disney friends were out partying when you were rehearsing and missing out on your teens. But that’s why the job pays such obscene amounts of money.

The most successful female recording artist in history, Madonna, has sold about 120 million albums since she started recording in 1982 and is worth more than $300 million. She puts on a great show, but she can’t sing. Britney Spears, by contrast, actually can sing, and has sold more than 76 million albums since 1998. By the time she’s Madonna’s age, there is no reason why Britney shouldn’t have sold 200 million albums. I can only imagine what she would be worth by then.

Lindsay Lohan is the red-haired Hollywood icon of her generation, a multitalented Molly Ringwald for the new century. She has been blessed with pop star pipes, a model’s face, a beach body, and skin that is both freckled and flawless. She is that rare triple-threat — singer, model, actress — and she’s way ahead of schedule.At 20, she’s been in front of the camera for 17 years and her timing and instincts reflect that experience, as does her $7.5 million salary and the fact that Robert Altman cast her opposite Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. By the time she reaches Meryl Streep’s age, there is no reason why she shouldn’t have won three or four Academy Awards and earned $500 million.

Then again, there might actually be one reason why Britney and Lindsay don’t reach their full potential and earn about a billion dollars between them — they might get partied out before they have the chance.