A letter to the postman - The fraudulence of a fake writer

That which is true is always true. Regardless of what anyone believes, some things will always be true and others will always be false. Just 400 years ago, people believed that the Earth was flat and it would have been practically impossible to convince anyone otherwise. Just because the belief was widely held doesn't make it true, however, and the fact remains that the Earth was as round in 1609 as it is today.

At any given point in time, popular belief may vary about what is and isn't true, but there can never be any doubt about facts. This is a concept that far too many people in the conservative blogoshpere — as well as the right-wing pundits and opinion-makers who feed it — don't seem to grasp. Case in point: the postal poseur who has had the good fortune to share the page with me, an actual journalist, in our beloved local daily paper.

For a long time, many of my readers and friends have been asking me to write something about "the Mailman," but I refused. First of all, to refer to him by that nickname is an insult to former Lakers-Jazz forward, Karl Malone, in the same way it's a diss to Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor to refer to Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson as "L.T."

Secondly, it was clear to me from his first few columns that this man is a bombastic one-trick pony and an intellectual snake oil salesman who is addicted to the "synonyms" feature on MS Word. He was obviously just trying to get a rise out of people and if there is one thing I learned growing up in a big family, it's that the best response to a person like that is to ignore him. Nonetheless, I'm a firm believer in the idea that the exception makes the rule, so instead of responding to reader e-mails in this last column of the year, here is my open letter to — and the last time I acknowledge the existence of — Mr. Steve Breen:

Dear Mr. Breen,

You are an embarrassment to the profession of journalism and to the Santa Monica Daily Press as a news source. In your "Welcome to the Tea Party" column published on Oct. 7 of this year, you cited a source named Dan Bana and referred to him as the official spokesman of the National Park Service. You quoted Mr. Bana as saying that Glenn Beck's teabaggers and their Sept. 12 tea party protest in Washington, D.C. was the "the biggest event ever" on the National Mall. You then posited that it was "bigger than even (President) Obama's inaugural" and concluded that Mr. Bana's statement and the pictures from that day mean that the number of people in the crowd was "therefore in excess of 2.2 million."

Because I spend time bouncing around right-wing blogs and message boards, I know where you got your information. There are literally hundreds of Web sites where this claim has been made and I hate to break it to you, but the fact that you read something on the Internet doesn't make it true — even if it is repeated over and over again. This is precisely why a real journalist doesn't mindlessly write something without checking the factual accuracy of the statement via a real news source.

Had you done that, Mr. Breen, instead of re-printing something you heard in a partisan echo chamber like "American Thinker," you might still have — or at least be able to salvage — some kind of credibility. Unfortunately for you, the National Park Service didn't conduct their own count of the teabaggers or of President Obama's inaugural — and it doesn't employ anyone named Dan Bana. Sorry.

However, there is a National Park Service spokesman named David Barna who did make a statement about a crowd on the National Mall. What he actually said was that the Park Service would rely on a Washington Post account (which put the number of people at 1.8 million) and the quote was, "It is a record. We believe it is the largest event held in Washington, D.C., ever." It's dated Jan. 22, 2009 and, of course, refers to the 56th quadrennial Presidential Inauguration — which swore President Barack Hussein Obama into office.

There can only be two explanations for why you treated truth and factually accurate reporting like the proverbial red-headed stepchild in that column: you either didn't know you were lying to the Daily Press' readers or you didn't care. If you were ignorant of the facts, then you're a joke. If you were willfully negligent in your reporting, then you are a fraud. Take your pick.

Conservative blogger Charles Johnson summed up the right's handling of this teabagger protest issue — and your attempt at being a columnist — perfectly. He called it "an epic, monumental fail." As a real journalist, the best advice I can give you is this: don't quit your day job.

Sincerely,

Kenny Mack
America's Smartest Columnist

Hollywood sure isn't hurting - Worldwide box office tops $10 billion

In the middle of a financial crisis, Hollywood is poised to gross $10 billion at the box office this year. The global economy may have melted down in 2009, but the Hollywood economy has never been stronger. The previous record of $9.68 billion, set in 2007, was eclipsed about two weeks ago — before James Cameron's game-changing "Avatar" earned almost a quarter-billion dollars worldwide over the weekend — and before this year's Christmas releases hit theaters. The bottom line is that people will spend $10 to take a detour from their reality and get lost in an on-screen fantasy for a couple of hours. Films like "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," which had domestic box office earnings of $400 million and $300 million respectively — and even "The Hangover" and its $275 million — show that the movie business is truly recession-proof.

The studios will still spend another year crying broke, however, and this year's successful Christmas releases will again be the templates for projects that will be green-lighted in 2010. Last year, "Benjamin Button" paved the way for this year's big-budget fantasy flicks, "Valkyrie" shelved any planned historical biopics, and "Bedtime Stories" made Adam Sandler turn down stupid scripts (for once) and only do "Funny People."

For my many Jewish friends and their time-honored Christmas night tradition of Chinese food and a trip to the multiplex, here are this year's offerings and where they'll finish the weekend:

"Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel" is the children's movie released this weekend. Even if I had kids, this hot mess wouldn't be on my radar. Never mind the fact that it starts with the Chipmunks' guardian being hospitalized, it follows his accident with kindly Aunt Jackie falling down a flight of stairs and dying in the hospital. Alvin and the boys go back to school and find the music program is being cut and the solution to this problem pits the pop star rodents in a battle of the bands with another group of singing chipmunks called "The Chipettes," voiced by Christina Applegate, Anna Faris, and Amy Poehler. There is also some kind of revenge scenario where the girls' manager kidnaps them or something — I couldn't follow the plot summary — and Alvin saves the day on a motorcycle. This stinker will finish in fourth place.

"It's Complicated" stars Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, and Meryl Streep as a woman who has an affair with her ex-husband (Baldwin) who is cheating on his much-younger wife. Written and directed by chick-flick auteur Nancy Meyers, it's billed as a comedy about "love, divorce, and everything in between," but strikes me as a movie by a middle-aged white woman about a middle-aged white woman who lives in a world populated entirely by white people — not that there's anything wrong with that. If you are a middle-aged white person or enjoy stories about them, then I'm sure you'll get your 10 buck's worth out of this talented filmmaker and the incredible cast she has assembled. A third-place finisher.

It's no surprise that Guy Ritchie would turn an intellectual private detective into a metrosexual action hero in "Sherlock Holmes," but the trailer still threw me for a loop. There was no sign of the iconic deerstalker hat that Holmes made famous and way too much of Robert Downey Jr.'s naked body. I understand the need to put butts in seats compels Ritchie to add a little beefcake, blow some stuff up, and have Holmes make a three-story dive into the river Thames, but I hope he doesn't try to make this 18th century British private detective into a bad ass crime fighter. If so, this movie needs to be a one-off and not a franchise (sorry, Jude Law). It finishes the weekend in second place.

The top draw this Christmas will be the last film of the late Heath Ledger, "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus," also starring Christopher Plummer in the title role, written and directed by Terry Gilliam. It tells the story of the doctor and his traveling show that offers people the chance to travel beyond reality through a magical mirror he uses to guide their imaginations. He has this power because of a deal he made with the devil (called Mr. Nick, played by the great Tom Waits), who granted Parnassus eternal life. Later, when he meets his true love, the doctor makes a different deal and trades his immortality for youth — on the condition that at 16 years old, his first-born would become property of Mr. Nick. As Valentina Parnassus' 16th birthday approaches, Mr. Nick appears. But the deal is re-negotiated into a head-to-head battle between the doctor and the devil to see who can seduce five souls first. This movie has the added draw of Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell finishing Heath's work on the film in tribute and giving their salaries to Heath's daughter, Matilda.

As usual, the over/under on good speaking black parts is 1.5 for all of these movies — and the under is a safe bet. Merry Christmas!

Tiger's strategy lands him in a hazard - Fallout from Thanksgiving at the Woods'

I can't say I've never cheated on a girlfriend, though I have stayed faithful in my three serious adult relationships. My fidelity isn't about morality as much as it's about self-preservation because I like women with a little psycho behind their eyes and there is just no telling what a crazy woman will do when she finds out her man has been humping around. I've also been known to flirt a little too much with hostesses and waitresses when I'm out on the town. In short, I am Tiger Woods.

We all know the story by now and two weeks later, nobody looks good. Tiger is wrong for publicly humiliating his wife and Elin is wrong for reportedly accepting millions of dollars to continue in the role of Mrs. Woods if that's not who she wants to be (if it is, she shouldn't take any money). More importantly, after Tiger starts playing golf again, anyone who reports on this story is wrong for not giving the Woods family a chance to put this episode behind them — and for increasing the likelihood that Sam Alexis Woods (age 2) and Charlie Woods (age 10 months) will read something horrible about their mom or dad before Tiger and Elin have had a chance to explain it to them.

All week I wondered about Tiger's agent, Mark Steinberg, and why he hasn't killed this story. I'm no math whiz, but when you earn $100 million in a year, your agent's 10 percent comes to about $10 million or so. For that, IMG should have set up a situation room tasked with making this thing go away within 72 hours. The initial strategy (buy, lie and deny) did nothing but help establish a going rate for the "My Text With Tiger" stories and the current strategy (come clean, then hide out) isn't going to work now that a gossip market exists. Mark Steinberg needs to get to work on behalf of his biggest client because you know Leigh Steinberg and Scott Boras are licking their chops.

The first thing Mark Steinberg has to do is destroy this newly created cottage industry for nightclub VIP room staff. IMG can use its leverage in sports and entertainment to keep stories about Tiger off of TV and out of a mainstream press that doesn't really care about him when he's off the golf course. The people who cover him regularly are golf writers who are all terrified of losing access to Tiger — and tabloid journalists won't get press passes to cover any tournament he enters for the rest of his life — so there won't be anyone to write or buy these stories except gossip Web sites with limited budgets. If it then became known at the exclusive resorts and clubs their clients visit that IMG expects a certain level of discretion from staff, there would be far fewer professional party girls willing to risk their jobs and their lifestyles for a few grand from TMZ.

Drying up the market for Tiger-related gossip isn't going to be enough. The Woods' are going to have to do an hour with either Oprah or Barbara Walters (I vote for Oprah). Tiger will have to admit what he did, publicly sacrifice his perfect image, and ask for forgiveness — which will instantly be granted — from his wife and his fans. He will then move into the third act of his public life: Act I — young phenom becomes the first black golfer to win the Masters; Act II — he dominates the PGA tour while quintupling prize money for all players; Act III — he becomes a family man, balances golf and life while breaking Jack Nicklaus' record for major championships.

Elin has the tougher job because she will have to forgive Tiger for everything — and mean it. She'll have to seem like a normal girl who happens to be married to a man who can give her a $20 million yacht called "Privacy" as a wedding gift. Most importantly, she'll need to get people to empathize with the fact that the father of her children is a target for all those "Anita Richmans" out there who don't care that they could be breaking up a family, they just need a rich man … or any man. It's something a lot of women can identify with. From that point on, any girl who comes forward with a Tiger tale will be seen as the home-wrecker she is. Mission accomplished.

We are all Tiger or Elin Woods in one way or another. No man can say he's never been distracted by an attentive manner and a welcoming smile that leads his eye and his thoughts downward; and no woman can say she's never chosen to continue to love a man who has done her dirty (thank God). Tiger needs to come out and fess up, then go out and play golf so this story can have a chance to die. Otherwise, he'll keep being the butt of jokes that his kids are not going to find funny.

Promoting world peace through pomegranates - The future of Afghanistan

I once caught a ride from a cab driver who told me that America's problems in Afghanistan really start in Kashmir. He explained that the key conflict in South Asia is between India and Pakistan over the disputed territory of Kashmir (that he, a native Kashmiri, called the most beautiful place on Earth).

In its fight with India, the Pakistani government uses the Taliban and al-Qaida as proxies who do its dirty work without leaving any official fingerprints. And since their India problem is much more important to them than our Afghanistan problem, we can't count on the Pakistani government to eliminate its own intelligence assets for our sake. His point was that it's too late to try to reach the older generation of Afghans, Pakistanis, and Indians who are locked in decades-old patterns of conflict. "Forget the fathers," he said, "concentrate on the sons."

With President Obama's announcement that he is sending some 30,000 additional troops into Afghanistan over the next six months, we will finally finish the job that our previous president put on hold so he could invade and occupy Iraq. Once the military has secured the country, the most important thing is that we not repeat the mistake we made in Iraq by leaving reconstruction to the Department of Defense. The job of building the modern state of Afghanistan has to be centered around diplomatic and developmental work; and that should be done by the United Nations as led by our State Department and its secretary, Hillary Clinton, with a lead role to be played by the Clinton Global Initiative.

I am not the slightest bit concerned about our military's ability to do its job. Within the next 18 months, the most highly-trained and best-equipped fighting force in the history of the world will deploy units all over Afghanistan to capture or kill senior al-Qaida leaders, protect the population from the brutality of the Taliban, and to eliminate the drug warlords who profit from the poppy trade. Then as U.S. troops begin to draw down, I have no doubt that the remaining NATO and Afghan forces will be enough to keep the country secure. The drug warlords are tough, but they don't have an air force.

That's when the real heavy lifting begins because 30 years of war and instability have left Afghanistan in a state of perpetual political upheaval. Two out of three Afghans are illiterate, including three out of every four women, and the unemployment rate is 40 percent. About one-tenth of the population works in the poppy trade, which accounts for one-third of Afghanistan's GDP. The bottom line is that Afghanistan's young people need pubic schools and a principal export that isn't an illegal narcotic.

That's where the Clintons come in. With the central government too inept to run an election, there is no way for it to establish or expand civil institutions on a provincial or local level — and forget about critical infrastructure like highways, roads, and bridges. To get the job done right and done on a scale that will benefit the entire country, it will have to be done by the international community. Who better to lead the team than the U.S. secretary of state?

And once a secured Afghanistan has reliable basic systems for water, power, sewage, and transportation, Bill can bring his Global Initiative into the mix. Eric Schmidt and Sergey Brin from Google can send a team to map the country, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation can bring clean water and clinics to rural villages, Warren Buffett can build some schools, and Steve Jobs can outfit and equip them. Then we'll teach Afghanistan's young people to grow, harvest, market, and export the product that will carry their country into the future: the pomegranate.

Oddly enough, the pomegranates grown in Kandahar, Afghanistan are the tastiest in the world. As a bonus, Afghan farmers who export their pomegranates make as much money per-acre (about two grand) as they would growing poppies, with none of the legal or security issues. Only 1,000 of the 40,000 metric tons of pomegranates grown in Afghanistan this year will be exported, but a few million motivated U.S. consumers can easily quadruple that number. I'd have a bottle of POM juice every day if I knew that buying the stuff was helping the Afghan people. I'd drink double-grenadine Shirley Temples all day and pomegranate martinis all night if it helped fight global terrorism, wouldn't you?

The United Nations and the Clintons need this mission. George W. Bush proved the UN to be powerless to prevent military aggression when he invaded Iraq. Building the country that Afghanistan's young people will inherit would go a long way toward restoring the organization's credibility. Whitewater, Monica-gate, impeachment, and the '08 Democratic primary showed the Clintons of Arkansas to be motivated by self-interest above all else. If they were to use their power and influence to improve the lives of millions of poor Afghans, history would have no choice but to remember them as life-long public servants.